eleven
six years ago
we were told not to gather
not in our homes
not in our churches
not even freely outside
six feet apart
faces covered
connection reduced to something fragile
we called it protection
but it also became
a kind of quiet breaking
six years later
we can gather again
we can be close again
but have we actually reconnected
or did we just learn how to live
without each other
i was five years sober
when the world shut down
i thought i had been doing the work
i didn’t realize i still needed people
to be known
and somehow
through a digital screen
a room full of strangers held me
when i didn’t know how to stay
i love solitude
God’s creation
quiet
a few people
not many
but there’s a difference
between solitude
and not feeling like you belong
anywhere
not in a place
not in a relationship
not even
in your own skin
six months ago
a connection was revealed
and for the first time
i could see what safe actually looked like
i had spent my whole life
creating safety for others
not knowing how to give it
to myself
the parts i had hidden
the parts i was afraid to name
the parts i didn’t even know existed
for the first time
i feel safe
to look at myself
to smile
to be a mess
to be vulnerable
to actually connect
i’m growing...
learning to love myself
learning to like myself
so i can stop
pouring from emptiness
and start living
from abundance
today, i’m eleven years sober
and i still isolate
i still get scared of being seen
i offer the safe parts
the surface parts
and keep the rest hidden
and the truth is
when i need someone the most
that’s when i feel the most alone
a few days ago
i couldn’t see the light
i didn’t want to reach out
i didn’t want to connect
i wanted to disappear
to slip away
but this isn’t the quiet
that restores me...
and so i come back to center
and i wonder...
maybe reconnection
isn’t something we return to
maybe it’s something
we learn how to stay in
with ourselves
with God
and from that place
Love
flows
so i can loosen my grip
and trust
that God
that life
that Love
can hold me
so i can look
at the little girl who was abandoned
the teenager
who learned to fight
and the woman
i am now
and Love her
fully
honestly
right here as she is
that’s connection...
that’s safety...
that’s Love.
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